Even though I have been saying this often it never hit me hard until now I think... I seriously wont be able to come to London after next week!!. How am I going to see you?.. I know I can always talk to you through the phone but its not the same is it.
You know when I walk pass coffee shops the smell reminds me of you..(funny I said that I think of you all the time anyway) I never used to drink coffee until I met you. Didnt even know the difference of Lattes, mochas and cappuccinos and etc etc.. ha ha now I am an expert!!.
For the 1st time in my life, I have started not likeing the summer!, I loved the past winter, I loved kissing you under the london eye,. now I hardly get to kiss you. Rememer I said I love your smell the other day? you know why..? those days when I used to like you so much and never ever thought anything will happen between us, the only thing I had of you is the smell. That's all I could have from you.. when you used to come near me I used to take a deep breath.. and then I smelt you even at home.... So I still like your smell.. it reminds me of that time I loved you sectretly.
I sometimes wonder why I met you like this... why we fell for each other... Do u??

Hmmm, I dont want to go to Barbados! Do u know why, You are not going to belive this. I dont like the feeling of being so far away from you. Seriously!!. That's why I had to follow you when you went to Sri Lanka last time.
You know I was thinking last night, Your mom passed away at the same time as I was in Thailand right? So when she went to heaven she probably met that God I told you about and said to him "my little boy needs lots of love.. he seemed a bit lonely" and probably the God said "A girl visited me today and said she had lots of love to give and she too was lonely... lets see what I can do"...
Ok ok I know my imagination isn't going to make me the next J.K Rolling, but as silly as that story sounded I believe it!!! yeah.. a part of me does.
I love u sooooo much..

I didn't write anything for a long time. I guess I was a bit down.
You know I remembered recently, when I went to Thailand, I went to this temple and our tourist guide said there is this statue there believed to be a God, and if you stick this gold piece of paper on it and wish something it comes true. I never believed in these things so I sticked that piece of paper and wished for love and to feel love and to be loved...!! that night I left Thailand to come to England and reached home around 1 am in the morning, next day I started my work experience...!!! I wonder what I'd wish for if I go there again....
I wonder if that statue did anything or not but you made me feel every single feeling I was craving for, (even the bad once like jealousy, anger, ) and you made me feel alive. I think of you all the time and I dream of you when I sleep. I don't even know how all this happened,, Do u? but I wont change a single minute of it.. even the times I was hurt.. the times I felt like you didn't care.. I wont change any of it.
love u..
xxx

Its a Monday today, I finished my lectures at 1.30 but hanging around till 5 so that I can see you.
Remember that day you were surpriced about me remembering the wife's birthday? Of course I emiled you and said I remember every single minute of that time..(eventhough you didnt bother to say anything about it).
You know, something quite funny happened on my 1st day of work experience. I had returned from Sri Lanka that morning around 1am, and I was quite tired and jet lagged, however all that tiredness just went out of the window the moment you turned up at work. I just didn't understand why.. anyway It was that little rebel of your assistant doing the programme that day, and I was sitting on that chair so bored nothing to do... All of a sudden he turned around and asked you, literally - "Machan umbe eka kochchara digada...?" (of corse he was talking about the programme).. Oh my god! I wanted to laugh and I couldn't help but look at you. Then I quickly took my eyes away from you and you said "atak digai"... and I thought... OOOh!!! It was so difficult not to look at you when you said that but I was so damn scared. I wonder if you saw me looking at you that day... it was quite funny.

Ah.. if I start writing everything that I remember you'll never be able to finish reading this.. but I promise I'll write all the highlights in here..

I didn't write anything for couple of days. I guess I am still a bit all over the place. I just don't know what to do with myself. I asked you if you loved me the other day simply because I needed reassurance... I think. After this whole job saga.. I have started to think that you don't care about me and I am so trying to think otherwise but its difficult.
Even though you said at the station that day you loved me... I feel like you love yourself, not me. You probably love the fact that I am around. You probably love the excitement and the fact that there is something else in your life to keep you going.
Remember I told you about my worse nightmare coming true.. You forgot to ask me what it was... I'll write it another day. I have no energy to think of that today. I am down with a cold and a cough, I still came to uni to return equipment.. ( and to see you).
I am glad the shooting is over and I am sad that things are coming to an end. I don't know what I'm going to do after April. Never mind something good will come along....
xx

Hmmm, I should never have asked you what that silly mistake was. That made me think about things all over again. If you had said that before.. I would have still written that poem.. and it would have been worth it. I sent you an e-mail asking if you loved me? Lets see if you are going to reply to that.
Remember I laughed to myself when you told me what the mistake was. You know what... I thought of that myself before all this happened but I didn't say anything because it was you place to say something. Day before that test Sanjay made me promise him that I'll do it properly because he believed if I get the job I'll keep a distance with you if ever we have to work together and most of all he knew having the name in my CV would be use full.
People who told me off or got too surprised when I didn't get the job knew, most probably the I was the most suitable candidate for that, that's why they were upset! But none of these even crossed your mind.. you said in that e-mail when you love someone you think of them all day and dream of them when you go to sleep. It doesn't look like you think of me at all... or is it that you are too busy thinking about your dreams and talking about what you want to do.
I purposely refused that internship with Ealing studios.. if you cared enough you would not have waited till I was so upset to write that e-mail. Knowing I mucked up the test for you the least you could have done was make some effort. It was too late when you did it.
I still love you a lot, and care for you too and I still miss you when I don't get a call from you.. but now I'm wondering.. who am I to you???

I don't like you flirting too much. Even though you say it was to get a reaction. Its too much and you get enough reactions and actions from me as it is, so why try so hard. That e-mail you sent to her was full of "Pani". You do make me wonder sometimes. I sometimes feel like I was probably just another woman that came across you way, but only difference is that I made a move. If it was anyone else it would have been the same. Funny thing is I am too scared to ask you.. just in case if you say yes. I have a feeling you would say yes too.. or may be not.. I don't know.
Also you never told me what that silly mistake we both made.. remember you said that at the NFT? I am not going to ask you what it is again but I'll see if you remember and tell me. Then again you won't remember.. there were so many things I wanted to know and you never gave the answers to. Probably the old age... ;-)
xxx

I feel a distant in you.. Probably because we weren't at our best lately.. or I wasn't at my best. You must be thinking why you are here with me. I always wanted to know why you love me. When ever I asked that you never gave me a proper answer.
I fancied you from the second day itself, when did it happened to you? Most of all how did it happen? Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't drink that glass of wine that day and what if I never said anything. Probably we would have been friends or not! it would have been difficult for me to be friends with someone I fancy so I probably would have just kept in touch with the others.
Sometimes I wish we were just friends though. It would have been so easy.. I would have said so many things that I never said to you, like.. remember that day when you put the phone down on the Mrs. and you were worried about it?. I would have said "its about time you put the phone down!"... I would have asked for your help when I did my radio programme, I would have asked for advise when I wrote my scripts, but I didn't.. I just didn't want you to think I was using you.
You know, that night on that boat was the best time I had with you. That night was amazing. we kissed so much... and I couldn't even believe that I was kissing you all that time. It was too good to be true.
OK got to go. I am waiting for your call now... it'll be nice to see you after grumpy couple of days.

xxx

I've just been called a useless woman!!, yes.. I am really really hurt. I think I am useless its just that I didn't think others had noticed it. You asked me how many languages he can speak.. but its not about what he can do, its about what I can't do. He doesn't need to know any language, all he need is to remember his numbers and he gets paid loads for it. I am the one who got an A for my language, and an A for my Radio Production and one month worth of work experience, So I must be useless if I can't get through a little test.
It didn't help when my friend in back home said "I find it really difficult to believe that you couldn't translate this, I know how good you are at these things. What did really happen?"
and my friends at your work place trying to make me feel better.."You are an incredible character, what made you really write a poem, I've seen you translate things before. I could have given you a dictionary if you had asked"
Everything I hear would have been worth it if I had one bit of moral support from you at the beginning of all this. I didn't need to put much effort to translate that crap!. I only did it so that you wont be uncomfortable. Honestly! I could have done with that job. It would have just been the perfect one for me. I would have got extra marks for my work experience module, I would have had something in hand when I leave uni, most of all I knew I could trust myself to keep a good distance from you if I was to work there. But I thought it's unfair on you to make you feel so uncomfortable. So I wanted to hear you say something like... "I know this job is just the perfect one for you, but we cant work together, so thanks for doing that"... that's all I needed... or something like "Just go for the job, I know its important to you, you can work when I'm not there or if we are ever working together we can keep a distance" if you had said that I still would have written the poem... but I won't be writing this right now. I have to deal with all the rubbish I am getting from everyone half heartedly.. because I am not sure if all this is worth it.
After all, people I fall in love with always disappointed me in some way or the other and men are selfish, so you didn't come as a surprise.

I hate it when you fall ill... I feel so useless and helpless. I can't even call you to see how you are so I feel restless. You don't know how much I wish I had the chance to look after you.

You know those early days.. when I used to fancy you so much.. the days I hated when you come near me to log me in to the computer... I used to imagine myself in you wife's shoes. I thought she is the luckiest woman on earth... I thought how wonderful it would be to look after you and your kids.. cook your favourite meal.. get your shirts ironed and ready for the next day.. keep the house nice and tidy and tell you off when you make mess... have dinner parties for all our friends.. tell your kids what a wonderful person their dad is... sit and watch your movie with them and explain to them every bit of it.... and then my friend at your work place would say "look she is smiling to herself again sitting behind the PC.." and I'd wake up... and feel so silly for even imagining something like that. I thought I wont even cross your radars.. because of my size (0)... if not for anything.

I really hope you are relaxing at home. I am so worried too... I really hope I get to hear from you tomorrow...

xxx

Now where do I start.... originally I wanted this to be a movie.. I wanted to write a script.. this is how it was going to start. One autumn afternoon.. a girl dressed in a long yellow coloured beautiful dress sitting on a bench near the Thames, facing the big Ben and the Parliament and those beautiful boats on the river. She is writing book, everything she wanted to say to the man she loves, and the story unfolds...
Yet I thought what's the point. I will never be able to make that in to a movie. So I thought I'll create a blog instead and let u read it one day when I have to let you go. At least you will have this to read so you'll never forget me or any of the moments we had.
I met you this morning at the Costa cafe in Waterloo. I saw you after 2 days, and believe me it was a long time. Funny how I still miss you when I don't see you for couple of days, even after 5 months. I guess the spark is still there. We had a laugh about the John Lennon song you sent me. I wanted to say to you that I absolutely loved that song. Remember you told me about it that day after the party at your work place?. We were crossing the Waterloo bridge in the rain... I remembered the song from then. I wanted to e-mail you back that I loved the song.. but I was mad at you that day..(sorry...) so I didn't. I hope the song was for me. Even though you must have given it to god knows how many girls....
It was lovely seeing you today and Thanks for saying that I looked pretty...I get all shy when you say it and then I get all paranoid when you don't. Now that's a secret you didn't know.. Don't worry I'll tell you everything that I have never said before in this blog.
love you.